Humor Me

Let us delve into the deep realms of possibility that our loved ones will never get sober…

What would this mean for you to accept that concept?

What would it mean to acknowledge that they may never get better?

That this may kill them?

That their actions could lead to killing someone else?

That this is your life?

Does it mean that you may have to leave them? Does it mean that you have to give up the life in your head that you imagined for yourself? Does it mean you have to give up the life in your head that you imagined for them?

Maybe.

I am not married to an alcoholic, I am the daughter of one. My situation is slightly different from others. I can’t get rid of my mother. I can’t “leave” her. I am a grown woman. I live with my husband away from my family already. I can’t exactly break up with her.

I can set boundaries, absolutely. And I do. I have finally given up enabling the situation but I can’t cut all ties with her and run.

I can accept that she isn’t going to get better. It isn’t out of anger or hurt just being realistic. Accepting that this year was the hardest thing for me to do because it meant a lot of things I had planned were going to change.

My future children will not be babysat by their grandma.

We won’t be taking family vacations together.

My in-laws and my family will never be truly close.

I may be disliked by other family members because of the boundaries I have had to set.

My mom may die because of her drinking.

These are pretty distressing thoughts. These are also self-healing thoughts. Accepting that these things are possible, and most likely probable, has helped me let go of a lot of unrealistic expectations.

My sister, who is swimming in denial, can’t accept these things. For her, it would be too painful. She can’t imagine my mom not in her children’s life. She can’t acknowledge that we won’t be having a normal family one day. She is clinging to that hope/denial. I am not sure what you would call it. Maybe me calling it denial is my pessimism while others would call it hope is their optimism.

For me, letting go of hope…it was incredibly freeing. I cannot control my mom, only my response to her behavior. My sister chose her response to be one of hopeful wishing and I have chosen indifferent acceptance. Neither of us are “wrong” but some days one of us is stronger than the other.

Where are you in your journey? Do you think they’ll get sober one day? Do you think the damage in your relationship can be repaired? I love hearing from people and would like to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks for reading! Follow me on instagram @grumpy.sunshineblog or find me on Facebook at Grumpy Sunshine. Share this post if you think it would help spread awareness or understanding.

-Grumpy Sunshine

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Grumpy Sunshine

About me: Oh boy. The big thing here, my main focus, is that I am the adult child from an alcoholic home. My mother is a straight up, textbook, pain in the butt alcoholic. My dad drinks too much but probably wouldn’t be defined as an alcoholic. Enough about them. This is my about me. I love me. I learned to cope with my parent’s issues through my sense of humor. Sometimes I use it to distance myself, sometimes I use it because the situation really can be funny. I decided to start this blog because I can’t be the only person who appreciates humor in the darkest hours of our lives. And as a wise friend asked me today, why not invest in yourself? I hope you take something from these stories. It could be inspiration to address a family member’s problem, the strength to stand up for yourself, or even if it is just a laugh at my wonderfully awkward upbringing, I hope you get something out of this. My secret wish is that you find hope. Hope is hard to find and can be very dangerous when loving someone with addiction but, God, is it worse when you have none. Here’s hoping this helps someone.

2 thoughts on “Humor Me”

  1. Hey Grumpy. Do you think that if you and your sister were on the same page about your Mom’s drinking that it would be easier (for the lack of a better word) to deal with in terms of acceptance? It sounds like you and your sister are very close -but on opposite ends of the alcoholic pole. I am with you on your thoughts and reasoning. Your Mom is probably never going to recover and the chances of her getting illnesses directly related to alcoholism are very high, especially as she ages.

    Just rambling here but if you and your sister formed a relationship separate from your parents- where your parents are not part of the equation at all, you could enjoy all those things you mentioned that are usually reserved for grandparents.

    It pains me deeply to say that my daughter grew up without any grandparents. She was 7 when my Mom died. By then my Mom was angry and bitter and would rant about how life (my father) crapped on her parade. I said many time, but LOOK what you have now!! A beautiful granddaughter who adores you. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough.

    I am not close to my siblings primarily due to the enormous dysfunction we grew up in. I would have loved nothing more for them to be a part of my daughter’s life (and mine) but it wasn’t meant to be. We are in our 50’s and 60’s now and there is still so much anger, resentment and blame. Some have chosen to move on and get healthy while others are focused on leading a miserably unhappy life.

    I am probably around the same age as your Mother and my unsolicited advice to you would be to grow and nurture your relationship with your sister. Maybe the both of you can get counselling, together? Focus on the beautiful future you can have with each other. It may take some work but it would be worth it.

    And now to humour you. A priest, a rabbi and a drunk walked into a bar…

    1. My sister and I do have a very close relationship outside of our parents. We usually only have “flare ups” when something has happened with my mom. For the most part, she does not discuss my mother with me.

      Unfortunately, it is hard to keep it separate when they are still such a huge factor in her life but we do try!

      Thank you for the good advice! and thank you as always for reading!

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