For years, my hope at the beginning of a new year, was that she would get sober. I could just picture our family healing, bonding, and doing normal family things without the stress that she might sneak away and drink something while we slept or while we were at the movies.
I could just picture inviting her to events like tailgates with our friends and their families. We could meet for lunch on the weekends and go shopping and I wouldn’t worry if she was safe on the road. I would go home on the weekends for dinner and not worry about what her state of mind would be when I got there.
It is 2018 and my mom is still an alcoholic. That hasn’t changed. I can’t change that. It’s here.
She is probably going to drink. She is probably going to cause us pain. There will be stressful family events. There will be some chaos.
This year my hope has nothing to do with her sobriety. I cannot base my happiness on her sobriety. It will always be a part of my life but it doesn’t have to dictate anything.
My 2018 resolution is to pursue my own happiness independent of my family.
Easier said then done. I expect to make some mistakes with this. If it was easy to accomplish, wouldn’t we all be doing this by now? N matter how many times I fail at allowing them to affect me, I am determined to not give up on this pursuit. I am worth it.
There will be times they make me sad. There will be times when they make me angry. There will be times that they make me downright crazy.
I will not stay in this state of hurt. I will experience the feelings because it is okay to feel those things but I will not set up camp in these states. I will accept what is happening and continue my own life.
I will always worry about my mom. I love her more than anything. My hopes should be for my own happiness though and only I can control that.
I hope your resolutions are things that will make you happy. Life is too short to have our joy determined by someone else.
What are your resolutions?
I look forward to this year’s posts. Starting this blog has been so therapeutic. I hope to continue hearing from you. Thank you for reading! Subscribe if you would like to read more. Follow me on instagram @grumpy.sunshineblog or on Facebook @Grumpy Sunshine.